Parent of the Year, 2007

2007-10-21T18:13:00.000-04:00

Because there are just way too many parents who should never have had sex in the first place, this is a short account of some of the more ridiculous examples of poor, strange, or outright shameful parenting. I will continue to add candidates as the year trolls along, and I welcome all suggestions. In the event of link-rot, let me know or send me a fresh one.

The list originated as a "Father of the Year" competition, but mother's can be just as fucked up. I'm not sure if I'll have two separate winners for each sex; this will depend on the number of submissions each gender receives.

Nominees:

--Chris Benoit (nominated by Jerry Yalch). Murdered his wife and son using the same wrestling moves he used while he was at work.
--Matthew Booth. Left his son and daughter in a house full of filth and neglect, along with being accused of sexual abuse. How did this end? This isn't him, but I'm sure he looked similar after his daughter put down the shotgun.
--Thomas Leyshon III. This guy broke into a beauty parlor and robbed a bunch of ladies in their sixties. After that, he started bashing them in the head with a hammer. Seriously. This actually happened.
--Glenn Murphy Jr. (Nominated by Alex Pereira.) This Republican party chairman and family man resigned after he was accused of fellating a sleeping man--two different times.
--Alec Baldwin. (Nominated by James Campese.) He calls and insults his 11 year-old daughter, calling her a thoughtless little pig and threatens physical violence. Audio file included!
--David Hasselhoff. (Nominated by James Campese.) Needs to be seen to be believed. The Hoff is wasted and choking on a Wendy's burger as his teen-aged daughter pleads with him to stop drinking. Actual video on Youtube.
--Semetta Heyward. (Nominated by James Campese.) Left her one and four year-old children in a car while she stopped off to work--for eight and a half hours. In August. They're dead.
--Derris Smith. Apparently frustrated over an 18 month old child's inability to acquiesce to potty training, Mr. Smith beat the child repeatedly, including throwing it against a wall, resulting in the child's death. Interesting note: the Encyclopedia of Childhood and Adolescence has an article, found here, that states children are not usually ready to be potty trained until they are 2 or 3 years old.
--Angela Day Gentry and Kim Ball. These two women are not exactly parents, but their inclusion here is important. They are child day care workers in Tennessee, and they have a really interesting way of pacifying children: just take a "pacifier," shove it into the child's mouth, and secure it with two-inch wide packing tape! Genius! Tape something into a crying kid's mouth? They should file a patent.
--Amanda Harris. In the same vein as Ms. Day and Ms. Ball, this woman's parental status is unclear. Yet, again because of her work at a pre-school, she deserves to be included. Turns out this fine example of human evolution chased a bunch of kids with an 18-inch samurai sword, calling them "illegal spics" and "little fucking wetbacks." The officers who arrested the woman claim that during the arrest she said something to the effect of: "If I knew I was going to be arrested for this, I would have hurt one of the kids."
--Deborah Jones. Was arrested for dealing cocaine and neglect of a dependent. Neglect of a dependent you ask? Well, turns out Deb's two children brought the cocaine to school in order to turn the mother in. Debbie's boyfriend had threatened to hurt the children if they said anything, but he was arrested on the same charge of dealing cocaine and an additional charge of criminal recklessness.
--Rachel Anderson. Rachel and her live-in boyfriend recently got jobs at Pizza Hut. So, with money burning a hole in their pocket, they wanted to get wasted. Enough money for a baby-sitter? Not quite. Solution: strap the 14 month-old into a stroller and go boogie. Only problem was that the baby's core temperature dropped to 12 degrees below normal, requiring 21 minutes of CPR to resuscitate him. No word on whether or not the boyfriend is the father (I suspect not), so the mother gets top-billing here.
--Amber Hill. Is your spouse abusing you? Want to make sure he can never take your children from you and hurt them? Why not do what Ms. Hill did? Drown them in the bathtub to put them "at peace!"
--Britney Spears. Just search for something on the Internet. I'm not linking to any stories. After much debate, internally and externally, I'm throwing her in here. She deserves recognition. My sister Meghan brought this to my attention again, and I came to this conclusion: "Since Ms. Spears has so much money that she never has to work again, and since she could probably pay someone to be with her children 24-7 even if she was working, essentially, her only responsibility in the world was to take care of her kids. And she couldn't do that." My sister brilliantly replied, "And she lost them to Kevin Federline!" Sealed the deal. She's in. So, Meghan gets nomination honors.
--Huang Daosheng. Apparently, his 10 year old daughter wants to swim the English Channel. How do we prepare for this? He bound her arms and legs, threw her into a Chinese river, and watched her swim for three hours. Sure, he says the girl said she wanted to do it, but we at the CGRC don't buy it.
--Ashley Truitt. (Nominated by Chris Metzler.) What happens when pregnant women from Iowa visit Florida? They drop their just-born-in-a-bathroom babies in "rubbish chutes," cause blunt force trauma, and get arrested.
-- Yue Fan Chau. A true immigrant story. In China, babies are a cash up-front industry, apparently. $25,000 will get you a newborn, precious, little Asian sex-slave.
--Michele Cossey. In a startlingly obvious nomination, this woman actually caused the DA to say, "This is not the best parenting I've ever seen, obviously." What do you do when your child is socially awkward, has no friends, and is generally regarded as an outcast? Buy him a .22-caliber handgun, a .22-caliber rifle, a 9 mm semiautomatic rifle, and black powder used to make grenades. This actually happened. Though, I do want to know how this monstrosity could actually have left the house to get them. She looks like she struggles with the whole walking/waddling thing. And spell your fucking name right, asshole.
--Patrick Waweru. Not only did this guy stab his family to death, but he also happened to do it in front of other family members. That's BALLS.
--Joshua Mauldin. (nominated by Marta Zielinska.) I actually remember this story from earlier in the year, but when I started compiling this list it eluded my memory. Thanks to Marta, I can now include it. All you need to know is the matter-of-fact headline: MAN MICROWAVES OWN BABY.
--Johni Michelle Heuser. Another asshole with a fucked up name. This is supposed to be a chick, so adding an "i" to the end makes the name John feminine? These kinds of people grow up, marry soldiers, have kids, kill the kids, and stash their bodies in an attic, enduring the smell of rotting flesh for weeks. Police aren't claiming that Little Miss Johni killed her kid, yet; however, if I was on a jury, I'd convict her on her name alone. She and Michele Cossey should go scissor or something.
--Paulette Lynn Spears. No relation to Britney. Classic story of drunk-driving. Headline? SON CALLS COPS ON DWI MOM WHILE IN CAR WITH HER. It's a bit long, but works better in caps anyways. She was arrested.
--David Rodriguez. (Nominated by Marta Zielinska.) I imagine the conflict sounded something like this: "Hey boy! What the fuck is wrong with you? You're still doing your homework? Speed it up, son. I said, 'SPEED. IT. UP.' You don't understand it? You fucking retard. I'll beat those integers into your fucking ass!" Mr. Rodriguez then bound his son to a pole in the basement, picked up a two-by-four piece of wood, and beat his son until the weapon broke. Yes, that's right: he broke a two-by-four on his son's body. That's real love. Additional interesting fact: the boy was 13 and he has a sister that is 13. They're not twins.
--Royce Clyde Zeigler II. Who knows? Maybe the kid was mouthing off too much. She might have known all of ten words; it just so happens that "please," "yes," and "sir" weren't among them.

A Look at the 2006 Winner

2007-09-14T01:21:00.000-04:00

In the search for 2007's Parent of the Year, we must remember those that came before us. While you have likely reviewed this year's nominees (and, if you haven't, I encourage you to do so and continue to nominate people), this entry will be for one Chytoria Graham. This asshole right here is the mother of all terrible parenting stories. It first broke in 2006, so this particular woman is not eligible for this year's contest. I can do one better, though. I have officially named this award the Chytoria Graham Remembrance Certificate.

A few key pieces of information about this contest's namesake:

Time: roughly 3:00 a.m.
Day: Sunday.
Date: story published October 14th, 2006.

Parent in question: Chytoria Graham.
Age: 27.
Employment: None.
Other Parent: Deangelo Troop.
Age: 20.
Employment: Unsure. However, according to cnn.com, he was "arrested in June and charged with possession of crack cocaine and other crimes for allegedly fleeing from police after being involved in a domestic dispute, court records indicate. He faces a preliminary hearing in November."
Marital status: Living together, unmarried.

Number of children at time of incident: Four.
Number of buns in the oven at time of incident: One.
Number of children fathered by Mr. Troop at the time of the incident: Two.
BAC of Chytoria at time of incident: Not sure, but it's definitely over .01.
Chytoria's criminal record at time of incident: None.

Result: 4-week-old with a cracked skull.

HOW this happened is the best part and the reason Chytoria's name is on this award.

Submissions for this year's contest are welcome, as always.